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In Case You Missed It: The Gratefulness Realization

Here is the most recent video on my channel! It is a life update-y sort of thing, so if you’re interested in why I’ve been on hiatus on my YouTube channel, it’s worth a watch.

If you like my content and would like to support me further than just hitting subscribe, I have a Patreon of which you can pledge as low as $1. You get rewards for being a monthly patron, such as extra content, early access videos, polls on new content and much more! Click here to check it out!

If you’re more into one time pledges, I also have a Ko-Fi, of which you can pledge here.

Thank you so much for the continued support, online and off. I wouldn’t be making videos without the excitement I have for books and support I gain from dear friends like you.


An Update On My Life and My Mental Health

Being away for a while has kind of been my thing lately. Honestly, it’s getting to the point where apologies don’t really mean anything because I’ve said “I’m sorry” so many times the words have lost meaning and I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for. Whenever I get really low, where I’m spiralling and my emotions are out of control and my boyfriend is with me, he tells me to look out the window. He asks, “is the world ending?” I look out the window and the sun is shining and everything is normal. I sputter out a “no” because the world is not ending. For even a moment, and that’s enough, everything is gonna be okay.

I currently don’t have a job. That’s a sentence I’ve had to awkwardly explain to people because I do not want to go into my weeks of suicidal thoughts which led me to be admitted to hospital for the first time since I was sixteen. It was so tough, to finally to conclude that I wasn’t happy and really needed help.

My job at the time was so mindless and boring that I had to rethink my entire reality. I asked myself countless times, “Is this what I’m destined to do for the rest of my life?” The depression then snaked its way into my head saying that there shouldn’t be a rest of my life. It was so hard to admit that I was sick. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me that I couldn’t even handle a month of work at this job when my co-workers could handle it no problem.

To be honest, my time in the hospital didn’t really help me or teach me anything new. It felt like just a week where I was waiting so I didn’t feel a constant urge to kill myself. I didn’t feel any better realising that fact, honestly, it made me feel much worse.

I had my birthday this past Monday. Twenty-One. I also found out that I’m basically insurance-less and I can’t possibly afford my medication. Thankfully, my provincial government made it so medication is free for people under 25, which starts in January. Which is pretty much my saving grace.

I do have plans to make more content for ReadingArsenal on YouTube. I hope to film a book unhaul video when I’m feeling up for it (and when my office is a little more presentable). So life will go on. I’m hoping also to start applying for jobs in the very near future.

I’m so thankful for my family and friends who supported me during my difficult time. They truly made life worth living. I really want to make them proud of me.

Getting Back Into Things… What Things?

Here we are again. Another two months have flown by and I have been quiet. Too quiet for my liking. Rather than make excuses or make promises, I’m gonna be honest and say that I probably won’t have a succinct schedule for the foreseeable future. Meaning, I can’t post every day, week, month, etcetera. This is for both my YouTube channel and this website.

It was hard to find some schedule that fits me, like once a week or every two weeks or whatever. I basically decided just to throw the schedule out the window for now and get a move on.

If you haven’t been on my site for a while, you may have noticed some differences. Firstly, my beautiful new banner and profile picture, photography by my boyfriend, Chris Chase-Onions (you can find his blog here).

I also went back on what I mentioned in a previous post, (I do not want to go back and read it to find out what I actually said because honestly, it isn’t my best post). I re-launched my Patreon. It was a hard decision. It honestly took a lot of self-talk. I had to tell myself that I wasn’t a failure for my last campaign not working out. I am not a failure, I just went about the first campaign too soon and I didn’t put a lot of work into what I was doing.

This time in creating my Patreon page, I wrote and rewrote sections multiple times, had my page proofread, tested my page on perspective patrons (ie. my mom and my friends), studied guides for success, asked my boyfriend if I could use his beautiful photographs, and made sure that I was happy with everything before I launched the page. Weeks of preparation lead to the simple click of a green button.


Photography by Chris Chase-Onions

Within 48 hours of launching, I already had 5 patrons and had reached my first goal, the Rory Milestone! I didn’t think I would even reach that goal, let alone that quickly.

The feeling of your first patron pledging to you, for me, only can be described as giddy excitement. It meant that someone believed in me, so much so that they decided to pledge actual money.

Now that I’m back on Patreon, I just want to make something really clear. I won’t stop posting publicly on my blog, or my videos on YouTube just because I have this new Patreon community. Ultimately, my content is gonna be free no matter what occurs. Unless I get published (like that will ever happen), and you have to pay for copies of my book! I will, however, be posting exclusive content for patrons like behind the scenes content, scripts/notes early ideas, etcetera. More information about what I share is on my page.

What are “things,” as mentioned in the title of the post? Things are content that I have always posted, like blog posts, reviews, and YouTube videos. They are coming back and that’s a definite thing. I don’t like quitting things. The schedule as I mentioned is a little wonky, as I work a lot to try and pay for rent, utilities, and food. I do have ideas for the future of ReadingArsenal, as both a website and a YouTube channel.

Managing the crux of subscribers and views on YouTube and even on this website is also very difficult as I know I don’t have a huge following. I don’t care about numbers; I just care that people actually enjoy what I’m putting out and are communicating with me through comments. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be just a fan also. I just love feedback, discussion. I love human connection!

Future is a big unknown, but I’m trying to make the most of the present. I am thinking about what other projects I want to do, like maybe an audio podcast, (maybe not even related to books!) or continuing writing my novel (that I have been writing since I was thirteen).

I think that about covers what I want to discuss in this post. Thank you to my new patrons, and fans who have been there since the beginning.


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