Being away for a while has kind of been my thing lately. Honestly, it’s getting to the point where apologies don’t really mean anything because I’ve said “I’m sorry” so many times the words have lost meaning and I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for. Whenever I get really low, where I’m spiralling and my emotions are out of control and my boyfriend is with me, he tells me to look out the window. He asks, “is the world ending?” I look out the window and the sun is shining and everything is normal. I sputter out a “no” because the world is not ending. For even a moment, and that’s enough, everything is gonna be okay.
I currently don’t have a job. That’s a sentence I’ve had to awkwardly explain to people because I do not want to go into my weeks of suicidal thoughts which led me to be admitted to hospital for the first time since I was sixteen. It was so tough, to finally to conclude that I wasn’t happy and really needed help.
My job at the time was so mindless and boring that I had to rethink my entire reality. I asked myself countless times, “Is this what I’m destined to do for the rest of my life?” The depression then snaked its way into my head saying that there shouldn’t be a rest of my life. It was so hard to admit that I was sick. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me that I couldn’t even handle a month of work at this job when my co-workers could handle it no problem.
To be honest, my time in the hospital didn’t really help me or teach me anything new. It felt like just a week where I was waiting so I didn’t feel a constant urge to kill myself. I didn’t feel any better realising that fact, honestly, it made me feel much worse.
I had my birthday this past Monday. Twenty-One. I also found out that I’m basically insurance-less and I can’t possibly afford my medication. Thankfully, my provincial government made it so medication is free for people under 25, which starts in January. Which is pretty much my saving grace.
I do have plans to make more content for ReadingArsenal on YouTube. I hope to film a book unhaul video when I’m feeling up for it (and when my office is a little more presentable). So life will go on. I’m hoping also to start applying for jobs in the very near future.
I’m so thankful for my family and friends who supported me during my difficult time. They truly made life worth living. I really want to make them proud of me.